all of my sins..

I went out with HER just now.. we visited her friends and had a birthday celebration..

When we were in a room, with her friends, chatting and relaxing.. she lay down beside me.. very.. very close to me.. her hand was on my thigh as if it wants to make sure that I'm not going away.. as if she's holding me to stay... I love that feeling.. and sometimes she even asked me to play around with my fingers on her arm..

How can I resist that...?

All I ever wish for at that moment was for the time to stop so I can be with her like that for a very long time..

Sometimes when we sit side by side, I manage to put my head on her shoulder for seconds..

However, most of the time.............

I was holding back.....

............and it kills me inside.

I don't feel like making out with her... or even kiss her..

All I want is just to be by her side..

To just lay down beside her..

To feel her presence..

*****

I feel as if she's the only one that can understand me..

She's the only one that goes through the same thing.. but still, we are different in many ways..

She's strong. She is being herself no matter what others say to her.. but I, on the other hand, am being secretive.. I'm so afraid to be myself.. so afraid to admit what I want..

I feel at ease when I'm with her.. Seeing her being herself is enough for me.. 

******


I really wanted to hug her.. play with her hair.. hold her hands.... so so badly just now...

I was really stopping myself from blurting out that I wanted to be with her when she dropped me...

..and when I reached my room, I saw my hand was shivering..

You have no idea how much I refrained myself from touching her.. because I don't know how far I could go, before it become a sin..