all of my sins..

Tak sangke awak epi dpt kenal ngan sy.. Saye pn epi dpt kenal dgn awak. Epi sgt.
Tapi... sy risau.. it seems too good to be true..
Sy takut bile2 masa je awk akan tinggalkan sy... seperti mana ex sy wat kat sy..

Sy tau kita hnye bkwn..
Atas tujuan nk bkenal2an..
Awk kate nk rptkan 'relationship' kite..
Tp kite dua tau, sy dah mula 'berharap'.

Sy risau wak...
Awk akan bosan dgn sy..
Ap yg ad pd sy utk dicintai??

Sy sgt sukakan awak...
Nape??
Sy pn tatau...
Sy tak brape kenal pn awak..
Bermula pada hari pertemuan kita, tak smpai sebulan pn lg..

Waktu sy melangkah masuk kat kedai tu ngan kwn2 sy..
Sy trus tpandang awk.. and sy sedar awk pn pandang sy..
Sy da rase lain.. tp sy wat dek je..
Klu awk nk tau, sy rase sy da mula suka awk waktu first time kite bertentang mata tu..
Love at first sight la konon.. hehe
Sy tau, awk pn same..
Tu sbb awk selit no fon awk kat resit kan??
Tak malu... hehe... tp cara awk yg spontan tu la yg menarik perhatian sy..

Sy nk sgt btau awk.. sy skekan awak..
Tp sy segan.. t cam terhegeh2 lak kat awak..
Ego sy tinggi taw..
Awk pn mcm take it easy je..
Rileks je sy tgk..
Smpai tak keruan sy duk cuba bace awk..
Ntah ap yg awak pk..

Tp xkesah la.. sy sanggup tunggu..
Tunggu dlm diam je la... huhu..

I went out with HER just now.. we visited her friends and had a birthday celebration..

When we were in a room, with her friends, chatting and relaxing.. she lay down beside me.. very.. very close to me.. her hand was on my thigh as if it wants to make sure that I'm not going away.. as if she's holding me to stay... I love that feeling.. and sometimes she even asked me to play around with my fingers on her arm..

How can I resist that...?

All I ever wish for at that moment was for the time to stop so I can be with her like that for a very long time..

Sometimes when we sit side by side, I manage to put my head on her shoulder for seconds..

However, most of the time.............

I was holding back.....

............and it kills me inside.

I don't feel like making out with her... or even kiss her..

All I want is just to be by her side..

To just lay down beside her..

To feel her presence..

*****

I feel as if she's the only one that can understand me..

She's the only one that goes through the same thing.. but still, we are different in many ways..

She's strong. She is being herself no matter what others say to her.. but I, on the other hand, am being secretive.. I'm so afraid to be myself.. so afraid to admit what I want..

I feel at ease when I'm with her.. Seeing her being herself is enough for me.. 

******


I really wanted to hug her.. play with her hair.. hold her hands.... so so badly just now...

I was really stopping myself from blurting out that I wanted to be with her when she dropped me...

..and when I reached my room, I saw my hand was shivering..

You have no idea how much I refrained myself from touching her.. because I don't know how far I could go, before it become a sin..

So again.... I'm stuck in my room..

When will they leave????

I'm staaarrrrvvviiinnngggggg.......................................

We have guests in the house right now.. Am too lazy to change so I'm stuck in my room...

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage = plain water
2. last phone call = with that Celcom guy who thinks I haven’t pay the bills
3. last text message = with my online friend
4. last song you listened to = can’t remember
5. last time you cried = long time ago..

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice = yes
7. been cheated on = yes
8. kissed someone & regretted it = yes... (what was I thinking????)
9. lost someone special = yes
10. been depressed = yes
11. been drunk and threw up = well...

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. green
13. maroon
14. silver

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend = yes
16. Fallen out of love = yes
17. Laughed until you cried = yes (I have crazy roommates)
18. Met someone who changed you = yes
19. Found out who your true friends were = yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you = doesn’t matter
21. Kissed anyone on your multiply friend's list = I don’t have that

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your multiply friends list do you know in real life = --

24. Do you have any pets = no
25. Do you want to change your name = no
26. What did you do for your last birthday = nothing
27. What time did you wake up today = noon
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = talked on the phone
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = to get out from this shell
30. Last time you saw your Mother = just now
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = none that I can think of
32. What are you listening to right now = nothing
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = I don’t think so..
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = people who thinks they know me
35. Most visited webpage = google
37. Nicknames = Ucuk
38. Relationship Status = SINGLE
39. Zodiac sign = Aquarius
41. Elementary =
42. Middle School =
43. High school/College =
44. Hair color = black & brown
45. Long or short = long
46. Height = 155 cm?? 158 cm?? Not sure
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = I have 2.
48: What do you like about yourself = emotionally flexible
49 Piercings = none
50. Tattoos = none
51. Righty or lefty = righty

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery = never
53. First piercing = never
54. First best friend = I don’t like her now
55. First sport you joined = volley ball
56. First vacation = Sarawak
58. First..... (the questions missing)

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating = nothing
60. Drinking = nothing
61. I'm about to = do my assignments
62. Listening to = nothing
63. Waiting on = nothing

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? = yes
65. Get Married? = yes
66. Career? = something I can brag


WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes? = eyes
68. Hugs or kisses = I prefer kiss... I can kiss someone easily but hugging.. is really a big deal for me. /swt
69. Shorter or taller = taller
70. Older or Younger = older
71. Romantic or spontaneous = spontaneous
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = ??
73. Sensitive or loud = uhhh....
74. Hook-up or relationship = at this moment.. hook-up (I’m not ready for a relationship right now)
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = trouble maker

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger = yes and regretted it
77. Drank hard liquor = no
78. Lost glasses/contacts = yes
79. Sex on first date = no
80. Broken someone's heart = yes
81. Had your own heart broken = yes
82. Been arrested = no
83. Turned someone down = yes
84. Cried when someone died = yes
85. Embarrassed yourself in public? = I do it without even realizing it

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = yes
87. Miracles = yes
88. Love at first sight = not anymore
89. Heaven = yes
90. Santa Claus = never
91. Kiss on the first date = why not?
92. Angels = yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
93. Had more than one bf/gf? = yes
95. Did you sing today? = yes
96. Ever cheated on somebody? = no
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? = That time when he asked to meet at one night.. but instead, I followed my ego and went out with a stranger.. I really want to know what would happen if I had agreed to meet him...
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = the day when he told me that he was willing to do ANYTHING on that one whole day
100. Posting this as 100 truths? = maybe

When I'm outside, at the shopping mall, or just at a place where there are a lot of people.. I keep on sensing those who are... well... like.. uhh... who I used to be.. (or maybe still am?).. (shyet)

I can't help feeling attracted to them. Especially those who act tough and dressed like one. Oo la la~ HAHAH.

I remember in Cameron, there was this one girl. Oh gosh, I feel like grabbing her and make out in the toilet or sth.. Ey, rase macam jd psycho sex addict la plak. AHAHAHAH. Somehow we stared at each other though.. I guess she sensed me too.. but I didn't "go for it" cuz I was walking with my friends.. so... it was a short stare (which felt like eternity lol)..

*sighs*

None of my friends knew I was like that... Sometimes I do feel like telling them but, the words just won't come out. I feel so hypocrite..

This feeling.. a part of me just want to do whatever I want to do.. but another part of me holds me back..

I wish I could just turn it off. The attraction. Whew. It's killing me.